Iceland: Sleeper Cell

On 14 April 2010, our world changed, thanks to the assholes up in Iceland. This small Northern European country, slightly larger than Kentucky, and appearing to sit at the kiddie table of Europe geographically, rose out of the ashes of their economic doldrums and took a giant shit on the rest of the continent, unleashing the feral beast Eyjafjallajokull (nicknamed "The Situation") and crippling Western Europe in a terrifying display of a new form of terrorism.

We should have seen this coming. The New Kid on the Block, being hazed into the Axis of Evil by Kim Jong Il and his goofy collection of fascist goons as we speak, is laughing at Western Europe from high atop the globe. While folks in this country worried about mild reforms to a broken healthcare system, millions of Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson's were "over there" in Iceland readying their hellish barrage of magmatic fury. Think about it: Tea Partiers (who are apparently better educated and more affluent than their idiotic viewpoints would suggest) were asleep at the switch. It's not some government takeover that they should have been worried about, nor the fact that the president was supposedly not born in the United States (he was a crafty toddler, forging documents and all), nor even the fact that the country will soon mandate that our elderly will be put to death in front of a screaming horde of liberals. No, they should have focused their anger on the creeping danger that is Iceland.

It all goes back to the warning signs present in the fanatical suicide statement, cleverly disguised as a children's movie, "D2: The Mighty Ducks", which gave perceptive viewers a glimpse into this dark dark world. Apparently, the deception traces its roots all the way back to the naming of the country. Think back to the pivotal scene, where Coach Gordon Bombay went for an ice cream with Icelandic beauty Maria and perfectly enumerated his, and in doing so, our complicity in this vast conspiracy.
Coach Bombay: "I thought Iceland was covered with ice"
Maria: "No, it is very green."
Coach Bombay: "I thought Greenland was green!"
Maria: "Greenland is covered with ice, and Iceland is really nice!" [Ed.: after divulging this state secret, Maria was sent to the Greenland Gulag, a vast shop of ghastly horrors, with its receding glaciers and such]
So it's true! The founders of Iceland had this evil plot in mind from the beginning, way back to naming the country. Indeed, the 1821 eruption was merely a dress rehearsal for the horror that was to come.

We've all flown in these years since 9/11. Airport security has increased and continues to do so with each failed tighty-whitey/shoe bombing, but the industry forges on, battered, but not deterred. This unlikely rogue state has taken a much broader tactic, employing the power of its natural resources for something other than hot spas and geothermal energy -- for terror. Thanks to this eruption, which can only be imagined with a sort of perverse sexual imagery ("erupt", "bulge", "pyroclastic flow"), Iceland has crippled Europe's airways and cost its economy millions, perhaps billions. Take that, terrorists!

Let this be a lesson for us all. Look not to poor, attention-hungry countries with fanatical dictators for the next foreign conflict. Let's look to the volcano states. It would be folly to ignore the slumbering beast patiently waiting the next ocean over. The 2004 Tsunami was just the first volley: the Pacific Ring of Fire is blessed with 2 advantages: 75% of active and dormant volcanoes on earth, and a badass name. Chile, Indonesia, and those bastards up in the Pacific Northwest are all a risk to our god-given right to freedom. Mark my words: Iceland is just the beginning of volcanic terrorism.  Axis of Evil, big whoop -- the real enemy is on the Discovery Channel...