Gardy always asks me, "Nicky ['cause it's my nickname! My other one is The Human Highlight Reel -- ask your wife how I got that one], how did you get so good at fielding ground balls?" And I say to that redneck, "HOW DARE YOU TALK TO NICK PUNTO!!!" Gardy just doesn't learn, you don't talk to The Punto and the Punto doesn't have to knock you out cold with his patented (pending) headfirst slide into your face.
Back to your grandma for a sec, last time I checked, she doesn't make $4+ million a year, does she? Didn't think so. Oh wait, but she does have 13 career homeruns, doesn't she? No? Really? I thought that was her. Oh wait, it's not her, it's The Human Highlight Reel. Forgive me.
Like any proper mega-star, I do have my detractors. But I actually feed off of negativity, it's like spinach to my Popeye, socialism to my Obama [sorry, had to, Glenn Beck is a fan], incompetence to my BP, teenage hormones to my Justin Bieber. I was actually physically feeding off of Brendan Harris's .154 batting average until he got sent down to AAA. SUFFICE IT TO SAY, I LIKE ME THE NEGATIVITY. So you hater tots out there, keep sending me your steaming piles of hate, because for each negative thing you say, out pops another weak flyball from the timber I felled and honed into the finest bat in the majors. Out pops another "hustle" play in which I needlessly get my uniform dirty [Mom used to say a dirty uniform was her worst nightmare when it came time to clean. What I didn't tell her was that dirt hides tears real well. The tears opponents cry when they see me "hustle" onto the basepaths as a clutch pinch runner.]. Out pops another WEB GEM from The Human Highlight Reel.
Punto, out.
