A Man, Conflicted

After watching the "Who('s) D(Th)at?" Saints take it to "da" Colts, I was struck by how emasculated I felt. Granted, this is not an uncommon feeling for me, but self-pity aside, I felt especially un-manly even after watching the biggest event in the manliest mainstream sporting universe. I'm starting to think that it was the commercials.

Commercial after commercial told me what it meant to be a man. And it doesn't take a Tim Tebow to tell me that I'm failing horribly.

Apparently, I need to stop expressing empathy or friendship, especially to women. Next time a friend asks me for help, I'm yelling "AFTER THE GAME!" Even if there's no game on. And if they ask me for help via fb post or gchat message, I'm pausing the game (TIVO, ftw), tracking them down, berating them for interrupting my manly activity, and ordering them to make me a flatbread low-cal organic manly, beer-enfused-bacon-cheese-MANLY sandwich. For free. Awesome.

And reading? Who needs reading?! Leave that to the Sedaris/Eggers/Vowell-reading, NPR (socialist, btw)-listening milquetoasts I see walking around with those froufy coffee drinks my girl likes to buy. Me? I'm a Folgers guy, through and through. I don't even have a coffee maker. I just stoke the fire, still smoldering in the hearth after last night's meat-stravaganza, boil some water (non-filtered, what?!) and pour that shit directly into the metal, ribbed coffee container. And I just drink it straight up. And then I throw the aluminum can into the trash -- you know, the trash container right next to that wimpy, Greenie recycling bin. Sometimes I miss, but that's what my girl is for, to pick up after me. Can't be bothered -- must apply wax to my DODGE CHARGER.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not some knuckle-dragging imbecile. That would be the wrong impression, bra. The wrong impression, indeed. The internet intrigues me. It is awesome. Basically, you look at the internet for things like funny videos of animals, pictures of awesome women, or sports scores. I have a few websites myself. But I only trust GoDaddy for my web hosting, domain name, and SSL certificates. I mean, really, advertising is best when it has bodacious babes like Danica "1-Career-Win" Patrick showing us her awesome curves all in the name of an obscure service industry! Awesome.

The Superbowl is an awesome way to get some tips on how to become a better, more awesome man. You get to eat some awesome food, drink some awesome beer (don't even get me started on Select 55 or MGD 64; in these eyes, it's a choice between either 55 or 64 reasons why drinking it makes you a non-man), and see some awesome sports. It's a once yearly opportunity to remind me why I shouldn't be friends (or respect?) women or be forced to read the New York Times or a good novel (does Maxim count?). The Superbowl reminds me of the proud few who have reached that Pinnacle of Modern Manhood and why I still have a long way to go to brush against their muddy boots...awesome.